Funny Jokes

Joke: My brother responded very badly to going to jail. He always yells at everybody, steals, and refuses to drink or eat.

It's the last time we play Monopoly.

Joke: Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Joke: A woman is at a gas station when she noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.

The woman noticed that "UFO" was printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked "Doesn't UFO stand for unidentified flying object?" The alien answered "No, it stands for unleaded fuel only!"

Joke: A devout Christian named Tom is on his deathbed. His pastor arrives and comes into his room. As soon as the pastor steps in Tom's condition worsens. The pastor quickly hands him a piece of paper to write one final message on. Tom quickly scribbles a message and shoves it back to the pastor. The pastor thinks it would be better if he waits to open the message so he puts it in his pocket. Tom dies.

At Tom's funeral the pastor decides to share his final note with everyone. He pulls it out and reads it aloud, "Asshole! Get off of my oxygen tube!"

Joke: A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."

The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."

The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.

The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.

The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.

The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"

The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."