Joke: A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She goes down stairs and finds him in the kitchen sipping coffee. She asks him, "What's wrong?"

He replies, "Exactly twenty years ago we conceived our first child."

His wife starts to cry, "I can't believe you remember that."

He continues, "Yeah. You were 15 and I was 18, your dad caught us and put his shotgun against my back. He told me, 'If you don't marry her, you will rot in jail for twenty years,'" with this a tear goes down his face, "I would have gotten out today."

Joke: A three-legged dog with a cowboy hat on walks into a old western saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the fella that shot my paw."

Joke: A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

Joke: What is a fish's favorite country?

Joke: Knock knock!
Who's there?
The interrupting pirate!
The Interr-
Arrrrrrrg you gonna let me in or not?

Joke: Chuck Norris doesn't have a middle name, nothing gets between Chuck and Norris.