Joke: Yo mama's so ugly, when she smiles not even gold fish crackers will smile back.

Joke: Yo mama's so fat, whenever I think about her my neck breaks.

Joke: Math Guy 1: Hey, if you take all of my past girlfriends they form a group.

Math Guy 2: How so?

Math Guy 1: If you put any 2 of them together they'll talk about another one.

Math Guy 2: But who's the identity?

Math Guy 1: I had a thing with a psychiatrist a while back...

Joke: A man and his pregnant wife go to the doctor because she has started labor. When they arrive the doctor tells them of a great new invention he has made. He made a machine that can transfer pain from the mother to the father. The couple is ecstatic and quickly agrees, but the doctor warns the man, "Even 10% of the pain is probably more pain than you've ever felt."

They start at 10% and the husband is not effected at all. He insists they move it up to 50%. He is still not phased by the pain, but his wife is feeling a lot better. So he tells the doctor to give him all of the pain. The woman has her baby with no pain and they are all very happy.

When they get home the UPS man is dead on the porch.

Joke: A kid is doing his science homework and he asks his father, "What is the difference between theory and reality?"

The father replies, "Well... Go ask your sister if she would have sex with the neighbor for $1,000,000."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would."

The father says, "Now go ask your mother."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would too."

To this the father says, "See, in theory we are sitting on $2,000,000. But in reality we just live with a couple of whores."

Joke: A proctologist is writing up a prescription for a patient so he reaches into his pocket for his pen. But all he finds is a rectal thermometer.

He looks at his patient and yells, "Some asshole has my pen!"