Joke: Three dudes are talking about their wedding nights. The first says, "I got way too drunk. Out of habit I handed her $50 when we were done. She called me a 'whore monger' and ignored me the entire honeymoon."

The next guy says, "Same here. I got wasted and after we had sex I gave her $60. She slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week!"

The third guy says, "I've got you both beat."

One of the other guys asks, "Yeah, how?"

He replies, "I got totally smashed on my wedding night. After we had sex I handed my wife $100... She gave me $70 change."

Joke: A British man, Frenchman, and American are on an African safari when they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader addresses them, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I must follow our traditions."

The Brit replies, "What does that mean?"

The cannibal replies, "We will kill you, eat you, cook you, and make canoes from your skin. But we're not all bad, we'll let you choose your death."

The Brit steps up first and says, "Give me a pistol." He puts it to his head and yells, "God save the Queen!"

Next the Frenchman asks, "Can I have a sword?" As he runs into the sword he yells, "Viva la France!"

Finally, the American asks for a fork. He begins to stab himself repeatedly everywhere. The cannibal leader yells at him, "What in the world are you doing?!"

The American yells, "Good luck with my canoe, assholes!"

Joke: A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks her, "Why would you want arsenic?"

She replies, "To kill my husband!"

He replies, "I'm not selling you arsenic for that!"

She hands him a photo of her husband with his wife in bed. The pharmacist replies, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Joke: What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Joke: Did you hear about the guy who spent 5 years trying to find a limo driver who would take his cat around the town?

Joke: A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife boiling eggs. She looks at him passionately, lays on the counter, and says, "Make love to me Randy!"

Not wanting to lose the chance he embraces her quickly and they make passionate love.

When they are finished he asks her, "What was that about?"

She replies, "The egg timer was broken."