Clean Jokes

Joke: A woman is pulled over and the officer asks her for her license. He looks at it and says "Ma'm, your license says you should be wearing glasses?"

The woman replies "I have contacts sir."

The officer gets mad and yells "I don't care who you know, you're getting a ticket!"

Joke: Knock knock!
Who's there?
I can say who!
I can say who who?
Do you always have to one up me?

Joke: It's Paige's birthday and she has been waiting for her gift from her boyfriend Trevor for months. All he told her was "I got you something that will change your life. It can go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds!"

When it finally comes time for Paige to open her gifts she notices Trevor only had a small gift box in front of him. She eagerly opens it wondering if it is something for her shiny new sports car. She looks at it and says "This can't go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds?"

Trevor replies "It's a scale, just step on it."

Joke: Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"

Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"

Joke: A man is on a long flight and he starts shaking. A flight attendant notices he is disturbed and asks him if she can do anything to calm him down. He says yes so she brings him a drink.

An hour later he is shaking again but even worse. So she gets him another drink and brings it to him.

Another hour goes by and now he is crying. The flight attendant approaches him and the man yells "Why are you people doing this to me?"

The flight attendant replies "Sir calm down, why are you so afraid of flying?"

The man replies "Flying? I'm trying to get sober!"