Good Jokes

Joke: A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"

She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."

He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

Joke: What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

Joke: It was so cold out today, I saw a lawyer put his hands in his own pockets.

Joke: A statistician is going through security in an airport. They discover a bomb in his luggage. When they ask him about it he says "The chances a bomb are on a plane is 1/10000, but the chances that two are on the plane is 1/100000000. Just trying to be safe."

Joke: John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.