Joke: A man named Paddy goes to a toastmaster contest. He wins the best toast of the night with, "Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend between me wife's legs."

When he gets home she asks him how it went and he tells her that he won. When she asks him about his toast he tells her, "I said, 'Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend at the church and with my wife'."

She smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

A few days later she is at the grocery store and sees one of the other men at the competition. He tells her, "You're husband she did give a beautiful speech."

She replies, "He wasn't being completely honest. He's only been there twice since I've known him. He fell asleep one of the times and the other time I have to pull him by the ear to get him to come."

Joke: The statistics of bikinis: What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Joke: A man and his son are walking down the road and see two dogs humping in a lawn. The son asks his dad, "Why are they doing that?"

Thinking quickly, the father replies, "The dog on top hurt his paw so the other one is helping him walk."

The kid replies, "Figures... You try to help somebody and they just screw you."

Joke: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

Joke: What's the difference between a whore and a rooster?

Joke: Why did Alabama raise the drinking age to 30?