Joke: A man is about to go on a long trip so he decides to get his wife a treat from the sex shop. The owner shows him a 'magic dildo.' All you do is say 'magic dildo' then where you want it to go to work and it starts working (For example, 'magic dildo, my wife's vagina'). The man buys it and rushes home.

He is so excited he speeds home and gets stopped by a cop. He explains to the cop that he was speeding because of the magic dildo. The cop looks at him skeptically and says, "Magic dildo my ass!"

Joke: A man is having sex with a married woman when her husband comes home from work early. The man runs into the closet where he hears a little voice, "Sure is dark in here."

The man replies, "Yes it is."

The boys voice says, "Wanna buy this baseball for $50?"

The man replies, "What? That's outrageous."

The boy says, "Or I can just show you my dad's shotgun."

"Okay kid, here you go," the man replies as he hands the kid the money.

The next week the man is making love to the married woman and again her husband comes home early sending him to the closet. He hears the boy's voice, "It sure is dark in here... $1000 for the glove."

The man replies, "What?! That is completely ridiculous."

The boy again says, "Would you rather see the shotgun?"

The man hands him the money and takes the glove.

The next day the boy is complaining to his father that he sold his glove and ball. The father asked him, "How much you get for it?"

The boy replies, "$1050."

The father says, "You shouldn't take advantage of your friends like that! I'm taking you to church."

At church the boy gets into the confessional box and says, "It sure is dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start this shit again!"

Joke: A doctor walks into his office and tells his patient, "I have good news and I have bad news."

The patient replies, "I want the good news first."

The doctor says, "We're naming a disease after you!"

Joke: Why was the ink blot sad?

Joke: How is the Pope like a Christmas tree?

Joke: A bald man goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doc, how can I get my hair back?"

The doctor hands him a jar of pussy juice and tells him to apply it to his head every day.

The man comes back a month later with a full head of hair. He asks, "How did you know that would work doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Have you ever seen a mustache this thick?"