Joke: A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

The man says, "What if you miss?"

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

Joke: Why did the tomato get arrests?

Joke: What celebrity is great at creating probate documents?

Joke: On the way home from work a woman stops at a pet store. She sees a parrot and immediately falls in love with it. She asks the salesperson, "Can I get the parrot?"

The salesperson replies, "Of course, but I do have to warn you the parrot lived in a brothel. So he has picked up some colorful language."

The woman doesn't care so she buys the bird and brings it home. Once home, she puts the bird's cage on a shelf and uncovers it. The bird says, "A new madam! Hello madam."

A few hours later her daughters come home and the bird says, "New girls! Hello girls!"

A few hours after this the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says, "Hi Tom!"

Joke: Why was the student angry that he got points off his paper for formatting?

Joke: How many guys in the friend zone it take to screw in a light bulb?