Joke: Why is the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

Joke: One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?" Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deer?"

Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said, "Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for the weekend.

When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a blow job."

So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?"

Joke: What kind of bear has no teeth?

Joke: Yo mama's so fat, her measurements are 34-24-34. Her other arm is even bigger!

Joke: A man is walking down the road and another man runs up to him and asks him, "Do you want to see my talking ducks?"

The man, not wanting to be rude, decides to take a look.

When they arrive at the farm the man looks at one of the ducks and asks, "Hey little buddy, how's your day going?"

The duck replies, "Pretty good, I've just been in and out of puddles all day."

The man is amazed by the talking duck and asks the next one how his day has been. The duck replies, "Pretty good, I've just been in and out of puddles all day."

Stunned, the man asks a third duck the same question. The duck replies, "Shitty."

The man asks him, "Why is that?"

The duck replies, "I'm puddles."

Joke: Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?