Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man with a penis that was 25 inches long went to a witch to see if she could reduce its size. She told him "Go to the forest. There you will find a toad. Ask it to marry you."

So the man went into the forest and found the toad she spoke of. He asked the toad if it would marry him and the toad responded "No." Instantly his penis shrunk by 5 inches.

He asked again and the toad again responded "No!" His penis went down to 15 inches in size. He realized that whenever the toad said no to him, his penis would shrink 5 inches.

Figuring that 15 inches was still to big he decided to ask the toad one final time. The toad responded "Are you deaf? How many times do I have to say it? No! No! No!"

Joke: Tyler and Connor have a friend named Nico. They like everything about him except the fact that he is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything. So one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both then he killed himself."

Nico says "Thank God!"

Tyler looks at him and says "Are you serious?"

Nico says "Yeah, if that would have happened a few nights ago I would be dead."

Joke: A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

The man says, "What if you miss?"

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

Joke: A man driving down the road slams on his breaks and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road. He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You were the only one with brakes!"

Joke: A kid is doing his science homework and he asks his father, "What is the difference between theory and reality?"

The father replies, "Well... Go ask your sister if she would have sex with the neighbor for $1,000,000."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would."

The father says, "Now go ask your mother."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would too."

To this the father says, "See, in theory we are sitting on $2,000,000. But in reality we just live with a couple of whores."