Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

The man says, "What if you miss?"

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

Joke: Tyler and Connor have a friend named Nico. They like everything about him except the fact that he is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything. So one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both then he killed himself."

Nico says "Thank God!"

Tyler looks at him and says "Are you serious?"

Nico says "Yeah, if that would have happened a few nights ago I would be dead."

Joke: A man and his wife are setting up the password on their new computer. The man types in 'MyPenis' but the computer denies it. His wife says "I told you it wasn't long enough!"

Joke: A doctor told a man, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man asked him "Why?"

The doctor replied "It is extremely distracting."

Joke: A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks them for 2 tattoos. She wants a Christmas tree on one of her thigh and a turkey on the other. When they finished the tattoos the artist asked her why she got those tattoos.

She replied 'My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.'